I've Had My Moments
by Writer-4ever-and-always
Summary: Dean can remember everything about Sam, every moment, every second that they were together. Sam/Dean
1. Chapter 1

_**Dean's always been a good older brother. Always. (Deans 4/ Sam 6 months)**_

Sam is the most important thing in his life, since he was 4 years old, holding on to him while he watched the fire raging inside his house, whispering that everything was going to be okay.

Dean learned how to change diapers at age four and a half, along with feeding and bathing Sam. It was remarkable to John's fiends like Pastor Jim and Caleb, but for Dean it was what he had to do to keep Sam happy.

Dean was a quick learner.

Dean had learned that asking questions like, "When is Mommy coming back?" only made Daddy sadder and got you a slap to the face if Daddy drank to many beers.

Dean learned that Sammy didn't cry and wake up Daddy if he laid next to him. And Dean promised Sammy that we would be a good older brother, he promised.

_**Dean's always sacrificed for Sam. (Dean's 8, Sam 4)**_

Sam was always hungry...always. Dean wasn't quite sure where it all went but he knew that his baby brother got cranky if he was hungry. He also knew that Dad wasn't going to wake up from his drunken sleep anytime soon.

Dean looked over as Sam continued to practice his letters, which Dean had secretly loved. Sammy had said he wanted to learn so he could be just like Dean. And Dean was almost sure, because he didn't know a lot of other 4 year olds but he was sure Sammy was smarter.

"Come on Sam, I'm going to make some Spaghetti-O's."

Sam moved to the table and watched Dean stand on a chair to cook lunch, "Dean when I get big like you, can I make Pasghetti?"

Dean smiled down at their lunch, "Sam how many times do I have to tell you Spaghetti starts with an S not a P. And of course you can Sam, you can do anything you want to do."

There was silence for a moment and Dean could almost hear his little brother thinking. Dean could always tell when Sam was thinking, "Dean, I want to be just like you when I get older."

And that made Dean grin even wider but he lost it when he tried to find another can of Spaghetti-O's and then remembered Sam ate them yesterday because dad was supposed to go shopping today. He felt his stomach rumble and knew Sam was going to be even hungrier...he always was.

Five minutes later a bowl was placed in front of Sam and Dean sat down with his, "Dee-ee-ee!"

Dean winced at the way Sam said his name, it was a new thing that Sam did when he was irritated, "What Sammy?"

"How come I have so much more than you?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Because Sammy I'm not that hungry, and besides I read at school that kids your age need two times more food then kids my age."

Dean watched as Sam's eyes squinted together and he held his breath as he waited for Sam to think, "Is that true?"

Dean grinned, before picking up his spoon, "Of course Sam. After this I have some of that candy bar left, do you want some?"

Sam smiled at him and his dimples showed and Dean smiled back, he could deal with less Spaghetti-O's if Sammy kept smiling at him like that.

_**Dean never lets anyone hurt his Sammy...especially kids named Henry Newman (Dean 11/Sam 7)**_

Henry Newman was a large kid who constantly picked on Sammy. And Dean didn't know about it until he had picked up Sam and he had a bloody nose.

"Sammy what happened?"

Sam didn't say anything he just kept walking away from the school. Dean glanced between the school and Sam half tempted to go in and see if whoever had given the bloody nose to Sammy was still there, but eventually making sure Sam was okay won out.

"Come on Sam, just let me take a look, please"

He did his best big brother voice and Sam sighed, turning and looking at Dean with unshed tears in his eyes. That made Dean clench his jaw and anger to coarse through him but he gently looked at Sam's nose.

"Nothing is broken. We'll get some ice to put on it and some medicine."

Sam winced when Dean touched a tender spot and then they started home, Dean walking close to Sam, "Dean we don't have money for medicine...and I think you have to be Dad's age to get it."

Dean smirked and wrapped an arm around Sam's shoulder, "Don't worry Sam, when have I ever let you down."

Sam walked into school the next day nervously, Dean had told him everything would be alright and he never usually questioned Dean, but his nose still throbbed, despite the medicine Dean had somehow gotten from the store.

He was always one of the first people to class and he smiled at his teacher before sitting down and getting his homework out to make sure he did everything right.

He didn't look up until he heard murmuring and someone nudged him, "Look at Henry."

Sam looked up quickly and a grin broke out across his face, Henry Newman had a black eye and a split lip, and Sam knew where they came from. He should have known better than to every question Dean, everything would be alright.

_**Dean's always made time for Sammy, (Dean 15 Sam 11)**_

Dean glanced down at Sam again, something was bothering his brother he could tell, "Spit it out Sammy, what's wrong?"

Sam didn't say anything for a minute, "Are you staying home tonight Dean?"

Dean was about to answer that he was hanging out with Julie, who had pretty blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes and had let Dean get to second base, (which was cool even though he had technically had sex when he turned fifteen) but something about the way Sammy said it made him stop, "I don't think so, why Sam?"

And Dean had been right because Sam looked up, eyes shining, "Well I saved all my birthday money up that Pastor Jim, Bobby, and Caleb gave me and I wanted to go see a movie and I was hoping you would go with me and maybe we can get dinner somewhere."

Sam had just started that a month or so ago, trying to fit a whole bunch of things in one breath. It had annoyed Dean at first but now Dean's thinking that he had met Julie about a month ago and maybe Sam thought he had to hurry and say things...because Dean had been gone a lot.

That made Dean's stomach clench and he smiled at Sam, pulling him into a hug, even though Sam was starting to actually get some height on him, "I would love to Sam, but how about I pay? It will be my treat."

Dean grinned as Sam smiled at him. He would just have to tell Julie that Sammy needed him...because he always had time for his Sammy.

_**Dean realizes that his baby brother isn't so much a baby anymore (Dean 19 Sam 15)**_

Dean hates that he has to look up at Sam. It makes him feel like less of a big brother and he doesn't like that either.

He also doesn't like the way he stares at Sam, or the way that he started noticing Sam's changes because Sam was going to be 16 tomorrow and he was growing_growing._

It makes him realize that he's not a very good older brother because what brother jacks off to their little brother? A bad one.

Sam's leaning over his shoulder helping him with his homework, Dean's trying to get his GED because last year Dad had been out of commission at Pastor Jim's and Dean had to take care of Sam...which wasn't anything new but he need a full time job to do it.

Anyways Sam's leaning over the table, half against Dean trying to explain Math to Dean and the only thing he can concentrate on is Sam's smell, his hair, his eyes, those arms he knows are starting to get muscles.

He's sick...he knows that but he thinks that maybe he always had been. Maybe that's why Dad doesn't like to be around often or why he pushes Dean hard. Maybe he sees the gross, dirty thing in Dean and thats why he doesn't hug Dean but will hug Sam...

That thought is scary, but he doesn't think its true because Dad would kill him if he ever knew what Dean thought in his head.

"Dean? Are you listening?"

Dean jumps slightly and looks at Sam who is kind of looking at him with a half annoyed, half amused expression, "Sorry Sam, why don't you go get us some beers and then you can keep helping me out."

Sam's eyes light up over this because Dean never lets him drink, but Dean figures that Dad wont be back for at least two or three weeks and Dean had his first beer when he was fourteen so Sam should be okay.

_**Dean realizes that Sam isn't going to stay forever, that Sam's not made for this life. (Same ages)**_

Sam's studying with him, eyes slightly glowing from the half a beer he's had so far and Dean's trying to mentally beat out all the images that swarm his head when Sam drinks from the long neck bottle...Dean's going to Hell.

Dean tries to focus and listen's as Sam explains everything flawlessly and thats when he realizes that this stuff isn't what Sam is learning in school...this is more advanced. Then he realizes that Sam's been helping for weeks and he just now realized that and he wishes he thought with his upstairs brain and not so much with the downstairs.

He always knew Sam was smart, the kid gets over a 4.0 in every school he's ever been thrown in...thats a lot of uprooting and Sam takes it like a champ.

And as he's watching Sam look something over and him explain it, his floppy brown hair falling over his delicious hazel eyes, it suddenly hits Dean that this isn't for Sam. This life isn't meant for him.

As soon as he thinks that thought a huge ache shoots across his chest and he has to fight not to reach up and rub at his heart.

If Sam leaves this life, he leaves Dean because what else is Dean really good at? Sure he could get a mechanic job and watch Sam graduate and get a wife and kids but that thought makes him want to throw up and he fights away the realization that he loves Sam, always has and there will be nothing but Sam forever to him.

Dean really needs to stop thinking but he seems to be on a role and the thought that Dean is not Sam's everything makes him want to cry. Was he on his man period, because he was starting to sound like a girl.

So were did that leave Dean? In love with his little brother and waiting for him to leave...awesome.

He's so wrapped up in these thoughts that he doesn't register the lips on his for a couple seconds and then he's reeling back so fast he falls out of his chair. He's breathing hard and holding his lips and Sam's watching him a little scared but a lot confident.

"What the hell Sam?"

He hates how his voice cracks and Sam shrugs, "You looked so sad..."

And Sam leans down again, placing one knee between Dean's leg and Dean lets out an involuntary moan when Sam's knee rubs him through his jeans.

Sam's smirk is back and he leans in so slow, and just as lips touch Dean's, his hands sneak under Dean's shirt.

There are so many things flying through Dean's brain but as soon as Sam's lips are on his again it seems his brain short circuits and all he can think is _Sam's lips, Sam's lips are touching mine_ and he finally kisses back.

Sam tastes so good Dean wants to devour him for hours, just never leave this spot. There is this burning in his chest and his head feels fuzzy and he doesn't realize until Sam's jerked away that he was lacking oxygen to his brain.

He looks at Sam through hooded eyes and Sam's breathing so hard with bruised lips that Dean just groans and surges forward, attacking Sam's neck and palming him through his pants, "Dean!"

The moan shoots through him, straight to his groin but finally some sense rips through Dean and he's up and out of the kitchen in seconds.

He shuts the bathroom door, breathing heavy and trying to stop the whirlwind of thoughts in his head and when he looks up at the mirror he winces and looks away.

He understands he's screwed up, that he is sick and twisted...had he turned Sam into something bad too? It had to be him because Sam is good and pure and amazing and everything Dean's not.

The door creaks open and he jumps, balking at a half naked Sam, "I just want you to lay with me, just talking and being together...please."

And its the please and the pleading lost look in his little brothers eyes that finally gets him to nod his head.

He lays facing Sam and Sam does the same, allowing a couple inches to separate them. Dean stares at Sam's chest, not wanting to look in his eyes but then remembers that probably not the best place for him to stare.

"I love you Dean."

And its so sincere and slightly heartbroken at Dean's eyes snap up to Sam and all he sees is that scared little baby in a crib and Dean hates that he caused that, "I love you too Sam. I've always loved you and I always will."

You would think Dean just gave Sam the world on a silver plater the way he lights up and Dean can't help but stare at a lit up Sam because he's not sure if he's seen anything more beautiful.

"I want you Dean."

And he was NOT expecting that or the hand that is lightly unzipping his zipper. He grabs Sam's hands, "Why Sam? I don't understand...I-."

There is this fire and Sam's eyes and its almost like its trying to consume Dean, "Because you have always been there, you have always taken care of me and because I love you...I want you, i need you. I dream about you everyday, I have since I was fourteen, I think about kissing you and touching you. I think about you touching me and-."

And Dean's heard enough because maybe this is his baby brother but Dean was never good at denying him anything he wanted, and if this is what Sam needs then Dean will do it. It also helps that this is everything Dean's ever wished for.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Dean's waiting for Sam to leave. (Dean 21 Sam 17)**_

They've been in this town for close to a year, the longest they've ever been anywhere and Dean's watching as Sam checks the mail everyday, because Sam's graduating and Dean knows he applied for Stanford.

It fills Dean with this sense of pride and dread. How many people can get into Stanford? Not many and he knows Sam's going to be somewhat of a badass when he gets accepted, but there's this dread because Dean doesn't know what to do without Sam.

He's thought about it a lot, he wants to go with Sam and help with college and be there with his brother, but Sam is throwing out words like "normal" and "law school" and how is having incestuous sex with your perverted big brother normal?

He's not normal and he's been hunting for so long he doesn't know if he can stop but he thinks he could for Sam...maybe. Huntings the only way he thinks he can tip the scale in his and Sam's favor.

Its a fucked up way to justify what he's doing with his brother but maybe if he kills as many monsters as possible and saves as many people as possible maybe Sam can stay out of Hell...can you do that? Give your good karma to others because they deserve it more? Dean think so.

"I'm leaving Dean. I'll be back in about a month, it would be sooner but it's in Mexico and-."

Dean nods his head looking up from the GED book he's still trying to get through because Sam takes first priority and they needed clothes, and a house, and apparently seniors need a lot of things now-a-days.

"I know Dad, everything will be fine here."

His Dad doesn't look him in the eye and Dean pretends that doesn't hurt, John hasn't given him a kind word since he was fourteen...Dean can't remember the last time he received a hug or something that wasn't an order.

"Okay watch out for Sammy, he's still favoring that left side after that Wendigo got past you, I still think he should have went to the hospital."

Dean flinched because that had been a horrible day. Dean had failed John but worse he had failed Sam. He had been careless and Sam had been hurt because of it.

"Yes sir."

The door was ripped open and Dean winced as the hinges shrieked, Sam was too tall and muscular to be pulling at the door that hard.

"Your leaving?"

John nodded, pointing at Sam with a stern finger, "I'll be back in a month, make sure your are still going to school and make sure if that side acts up you tell Dean."

"Okay, you think Dean's back is okay? I don't know-"

Dean's head snapped up and John's gaze went from confused to pissed off in seconds, before whirling on Dean, "You hurt your back?"

Dean stiffened, staring his dad straight in the eyes, "Not nearly as bad as Sam's side. Sam stitched it and its fine, he's just being his normal girly self."

And despite the hard look John was giving him Dean could see the concern in them and that made it a little better.

It took a couple more minutes of convincing before John's truck was heard pulling away and Sam was glaring at him, "I did not stitch up your back, you said Dad was going to."

Dean didn't say anything but continued to look down at his book, jumping when Sam started to lift up his shirt, "Sam, come on, it's fine."

The anger was rolling off Sam in waves and Dean grabbed his head and pulled him into a kiss, "I promise it'a okay. If it wasn't you would have been able to tell."

Sam stared at him before straddling his lap, "Why didn't you just let me take care of it."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Because Samantha you were hurt, far worse then I was. I wasn't going to make you get up and stitch me when your guts were pouring out the side of you."

Sam snorted, "Okay, who's being a drama queen now?"

Dean grinned and winked at Sam, "I'd look hot in a dress and tiara."

And that got Sam laughing and Sam's laugh was like a drug, better than any medicine Dean ever had before.

"I graduate in two months."

For Sam that meant so many good things, it was when Dean promised to take his virginity and when he'd be free.

Dean smiled and kissed Sam groaning when Sam ground down into Dean's lap, "Sam..."

Sam was kissing down Dean's neck and he could feel his breathing start to become shallow, "We can cheat, start now...practice. I want to ride you Dean."

And to prove his point he rotated his hips harder and Dean groaned before grabbing his hips and thrusting upwards, "We made a deal Sam."

Sam bit down on Dean's neck before letting out a moan, his breath hitching, "But I want you Dean, I want to feel you inside me."

It was times like this Dean hated Sam, because he was too damn hot for his own good.

Dean stealthy unzipped Sam's pants and thrust his hand down then, causing Sam to buck wildly and let out a small cry, "That's c-cheating."

Dean grinned and pulled at his brothers impressive length, admiring the size if it. Sam's body was very proportional, his feet large, his hands large, his body large, and his dick was no exception.

There was nothing that Dean loved more than when Sam's hands were all over him, those large hands.

Dean licked his way into Sam's mouth and grinned when he turned into a whimpering puddle on Dean's lap, "Fuck Dean, feels so good. Fuck."

Seconds later Sam was coming long and hard and Dean smiled as he licked his hand clean, savoring Sam's taste and watching as his brother's cock twitched again.

The doorbell rang and they both jumped. Dean narrowed his eyes, his cock softening because Sam might be in danger, "Go get cleaned up Sam."

Sam blushed as he realized the state he was in and ran to his bedroom. Dean reached for the gun under the end table and looked through the peep hole. A young girl around Sam's age was standing outside, Jordan Morgan. She was in Sam's class and in Dean's personal opinion she had the hots for Sam.

"Hey Jordan."

She grinned shyly, "Hi Dean, is Sam in?"

Dean grinned, "He's usually here or the library."

Dean liked Jordan, despite the whole trying to date the man he loved thing, she was sweet and a good friend to Sam.

He let her in, did the small talk thing, and then Sam reappeared looking like he just walked out of a catalog and not like he just had gay incestuous sex with his older brother.

"Hey Jordan, what's up?"

The girl blushed and Dean sympathized with her, Sam could do that to a person, "Well we were supposed to meet to study and you never showed, then you didn't answer your phone so I was worried."

It was Sam's turn to blush, "I'm so sorry Jordan I forgot! I had...a situation that needed a...hand."

Dean was taking a drink of water and spit it back up through his nose, dirty images running through his mind.

Sam was smirking at him and Jordan looked concerned and he held up a hand, coughing and searching in his pocket before throwing the keys to the Impala at Sam.

"Be back early please, you do have school."

Sam stared at the keys eyes shining and then grabbed his backpack off the couch and snorted, "Yes mother, i'll be back soon."

"Bitch!"

"Jerk!"

_**Dean realizes again why he loves Sam. (Dean 21 Sam 18)**_

Sam was at school, when the letter came. Well two came, one for Dean stating that he passed his GED and the other was a large packet from Stanford with the words, "Welcome!" on the front.

Dean threw the GED thing on top of the refrigerator and then had a small panic attack as he stared at the packet. He took it and set it on Sam's pillow before going to the kitchen, writing out a note and then leaving.

He just drove, he didn't really have an idea of where he wanted to go but he ended up parked on top of a hill and he climbed out of the Impala and sat gently on the hood.

Sam would leave...Sam would leave him and Dean hadn't decided if he wanted to go...or if Sam even wanted him there.

Not being there would give Sam the break he wanted, the ability to be normal. And Dean wouldn't fit in anywhere...he had two friends Sam and Bobby he didn't make friends easily.

His cellphone was out before he was aware, "Hello."

Dean took a deep breath forgetting how much he missed Bobby, "Hey Bobby, it's Dean."

"I know your voice you idgit. Is everything alright?"

Dean swallowed and nodded forgetting Bobby couldn't see, "Yeah, me and Sam are fine."

There was silence on the other end and Dean smiled when he heard Bobby sigh, "God damn it boy spit it out. I love talking to you but we both know we both suck at small talk and conversations."

Dean smiled, chuckling before remembering why he called, "Sam got into Stanford..."

"Well I'll be damned. That boy was always sharp, got that from you."

Dean snorted, "Yeah right, Bobby."

He thought he heard something that sounded like 'pick your battles' before he sighed, "So how come you sound so upset then?"

Dean felt his throat clog and he cleared it, trying to talk like normal, "He'd have to leave, go to California. He said he wants normal."

There was silence for a few seconds, "Normal's overrated. Are you going with him?"

And leave it to Bobby to get straight to the point, "I can't give him normal Bobby. I'm a hunter and I don't know if I could stop...I could try but he's going to have college friends and parties...I don't fit into that."

He could hear Bobby cooking something, "You can try."

And he sucked in a breath...yeah he could.


End file.
